My name is Maddie and I'm obese. That's me in the picture above, taken on November 27, 2009, weighing 61.8 pounds. I didn't always love hot dogs and oreo cookies, but then I ended up in prison and suddenly encased pork products and saturated fat made me happy. How did I get to this point? I mean, I wasn't always this way. One year ago I was a spry, muscular, young pup weighing in at a respectable 40 pounds. But then the shelter I stayed at burned down and I was sent to a prison in Lansing, Kansas.
Hold up! I know what you're thinking and you're just flat wrong. The fact that I ended up in a prison has nothing to do with any alleged arson charges filed against me. Believe it or not, this whole prison gig was supposed to be a rescue...or retreat of sorts. Apparently, when my shelter burned down (accidentally, in case you needed reminding), the shelter workers scrambled to find new homes for all the doggies. Somehow, I won the "lottery" and was picked to move to the shelter program at the Lansing prison.
Prison life was...well...not what you'd expect. Imagine me, a 1 year old girl (well, "1" in human years but a pre-pubsecent, pre-teen in my world), in an all male prison. All those normal, crazy-insane things that 14 year old girls go through? Well, I had to figure out the birds and the bees all on my own. Lucky for me, I guess, someone made the decision for me shortly after that because I "went undah the knife" and after that didn't have those crazy girl feelings anymore - or so my new daddy told me.
Oh yeah. So my daddy. He was cool. His name was Inmate 9325. He told me he did some bad things a while back and that he wasn't proud of them. When I met him, though, he was doing a lot better. He told me that because he was such a good boy, he was able to be my daddy. We had a lot of fun but I had a lot of responsibilities, too. During most of the week, I went to school at Hard Knocks. The lessons were kinda different. I mean, I learned to sit and stay like other doggies. But, I learned a lot of other valuable lessons that my daddy said when come in handy "on the streets."
There is a lot more to tell and I guess there is a lot more time to tell it. So...
...until then, I'll be keepin' it real, Maddie style.
