Lucky Number Seven

Off the bat, I must apologize for my mama's procrastination. I have been begging her for a while now to take down more dictation of my life, but apparently she has better things to do. First, she went somewhere and left me for a real long time with my cousin, Roy. It was cool to be on vacation but after a while I got sick of sharing a bed on the floor with Roy instead of the comfort of my mama's bed. And even when she got back, it's like all she cared about was some curse of "homeownership" or something and how she always had to fix things. Somedays, especially when she was crying on the phone to her daddy about how cold it was at home (and when I felt like it was actually NICE in here), I thought I might never get her attention long enough again to get her help in typin' my stories.

But since you're readin' this, you know that she finally came to her senses. She even stayed at home with me all day today even though normally when my Auntie Em leaves for the day, so does my mama. She said something about it being a man's birthday, some guy named Martin, and so she got to stay home. I just hope she wasn't referencing that awful early 90s television show...even though I do have a more sophisticated sense of humor than most, no one should think that show is funny. I mean, really Gina? REALLY?

Anyway, I digress. Having mama home was pretty fun. We took a nap together and I even let my brother from another mother, Rocco, cuddle up with mama in bed, too! I figure if mama was being so generous, so could I. Plus, Rocco and I are cool now. I may have busted his chops back in the day when we first met, but that was all for fun. I guess maybe you need to see Rocco so you know why we are what my mama calls an "odd couple." Here we are below:

You see what I mean? Under all that fur, though, he's pretty funny. So, like I said, we're cool.

After our nap, and after mama did that homeowner stuff again, she got out my leash and told me we were going somewhere. I was skeptical, to say the least, because she is normally more transparent than that - as in she just tells me where we're goin' - like when she dumped me off at Grandma and Grandpa's this weekend. She told me about that for DAYS before we went. I guess she thought that was going to be a really awful experience for me. I can tell you, as someone who loves G and G a lot, I still get kinda sad when my mama is gone that long. But Grandma usually tries to give me lots of lovin' to make up for it and so it ain't so bad.

But today, she just told me we were going for a walk somewhere. I pretty much knew after we turned the corner to my dogtor's house that we were going inside. I didn't mind so much, there were a lot of nice smells and I even got to say hello to one of those really furry little dogs that don't bark but make some whining sound and then try to spit on you. I'm not talking about Rocco...these dogs are weirder than Rocco. And after we sat for what felt like most of the time I had already originally allotted for my afternoon nap, they brought me in to a room and made me stand on something. Then my mama said the most magical thing ever: "Maddie has lost 7 POUNDS in two months!!"

I am not one to brag, but I knew it. I mean, I have been lookin' GOOOOOOD! I notice more of the boys at daycare say hi to me. And not in that way they say it to the D.U.F.F. to get to the hot friend. But like they thought I was the hot friend. I mean, I know I still got a ways to go (mama says maybe about 10 more pounds...but we'll see) but for today, I feel like I'm queen of the world. And ain't nobody gonna break my stride now.

Week One

My name is Maddie and I'm obese. That's me in the picture above, taken on November 27, 2009, weighing 61.8 pounds.

I didn't always love hot dogs and oreo cookies, but then I ended up in prison and suddenly encased pork products and saturated fat made me happy. How did I get to this point? I mean, I wasn't always this way. One year ago I was a spry, muscular, young pup weighing in at a respectable 40 pounds. But then the shelter I stayed at burned down and I was sent to a prison in Lansing, Kansas.

Hold up! I know what you're thinking and you're just flat wrong. The fact that I ended up in a prison has nothing to do with any alleged arson charges filed against me. Believe it or not, this whole prison gig was supposed to be a rescue...or retreat of sorts. Apparently, when my shelter burned down (accidentally, in case you needed reminding), the shelter workers scrambled to find new homes for all the doggies. Somehow, I won the "lottery" and was picked to move to the shelter program at the Lansing prison.

Prison life was...well...not what you'd expect. Imagine me, a 1 year old girl (well, "1" in human years but a pre-pubsecent, pre-teen in my world), in an all male prison. All those normal, crazy-insane things that 14 year old girls go through? Well, I had to figure out the birds and the bees all on my own. Lucky for me, I guess, someone made the decision for me shortly after that because I "went undah the knife" and after that didn't have those crazy girl feelings anymore - or so my new daddy told me.

Oh yeah. So my daddy. He was cool. His name was Inmate 9325. He told me he did some bad things a while back and that he wasn't proud of them. When I met him, though, he was doing a lot better. He told me that because he was such a good boy, he was able to be my daddy. We had a lot of fun but I had a lot of responsibilities, too. During most of the week, I went to school at Hard Knocks. The lessons were kinda different. I mean, I learned to sit and stay like other doggies. But, I learned a lot of other valuable lessons that my daddy said when come in handy "on the streets."

There is a lot more to tell and I guess there is a lot more time to tell it. So...

...until then, I'll be keepin' it real, Maddie style.